She stopped the car and laid her head against the back of the seat.
She hated this feeling. She had been feeling the tightness in her chest for two days. Two long days of feeling abandoned, of feeling the loss of a relationship. Her third divorce approached.
I know how to pick ’em she thought. I just wish I understood the why.
She closed her eyes obscuring the view of the lake in front of her. She tried counting her breaths in and out. She searched for her mental calm, her peaceful place and found only the hurt. She searched deeper.
She recalled that letting go was always the most difficult part. Letting go and knowing that she really didn’t control anything except her own behavior…not even her life was really her own. She was at the mercy of a world where stress and pressure were commonplace. Life wasn’t just family and survival anymore. Life was a complicated mess. Finding the good and the pure and the place you were meant to be and the people you were meant to be with was no longer an adventure but a bone wearying, soul killing experience based on the needs of the rich and shiny possibilities that might be had for your labors.
Her cynicism was showing.
She felt like a target for the dysfunctional. It seemed that drunks and junkies, homeless dogs, stray cats and lonely children sought her. There were other choices for them. But they seemed to find her.
And in her own loneliness she allowed them in, always thinking that this one would be the one that would allow her a brief rest, a shoulder to lean on in times of trouble. This one would take care of the crises that arose in life. It would be shared.
Loneliness painted the target on her back. Silly, really. She never thought of being lonely until she was lost, until she had no one to distract her from her need to be comforted and supported in a measure equal to what she gave.
No, she thought. I want it all.
She raised her head, started the engine, released the brake and prepared to drive away.
It will be what I make of it, she decided. And I will make of it a tall, soothing, margarita. If I let it go, what is meant to be will manifest. I have the power to change one thing. I can choose to be selective and take my time. I can choose to find a new path, find my pace, learn and grow.
Better late than never, she thought. Odd these sayings so overused, so often correct. Too bad the epiphany was so long in coming. Too grand that it finally arrived!